MY SEXY PAST

Posted on December 25, 2013

5


I want to wish you a very amazing holiday.
And for those of you who are sick of Christmas stuff and ESPECIALLY those of you stuck with your own dysfunctional families, here is a little something something to entertain and maybe inspire you.

Sexy kiss with now ex-boyfriend

Sexy kiss with now ex-boyfriend


A story about the person I was and the life I had at “the top of my game” before “Long Island lockdown.”

There was a time in my life in New York City when I was dating attractive guys, going out with friends and living for my paycheck. My real dreams of writing, creating, and expressing my passion for words come to life, were submerged by a notion that I had to keep surviving, and while I did, have a wild, crazy and fun time. The fun and the ‘love’ would make my day job less painful and make me feel like at least there was some enjoyment to live for.

I recently shot a new webisode that details all of this in flashback.

Flashback Shot from Episode 2

Flashback Shot from Episode 2


At the time I didn’t realize I was doing it, but what I was doing, perhaps subconsciously, was envisioning the life of maybe someone in Paris who loves deeply and passionately and kisses on the street with reckless abandon. Who makes out with her boyfriend in bathroom stalls in nightclubs. Who drinks with her ‘friends’ and dances to the music in a nightlife that makes the daytime palatable.

Chinatown kissing with boyfriend.

Chinatown kissing with boyfriend.


I envisioned getting married to this hot boyfriend. Who would laugh with me over silly and often superficial things. I would call this love. Because at least it wasn’t loneliness.

Wild NYC Friends

Wild NYC Friends


The girls who would drink and dance and be reckless with me, I envisioned were my real ‘family.’ Because at least they weren’t criticizing me and they made me feel like I belonged – if even for a night out. The fact that I couldn’t relate on deep spiritual or intellectual levels was mute. I had people to go out with – to dance with – to flirt with boys with – to act crazy with. And for someone growing up in their own shell of isolation, this was enough.

Until the bubble of sexy superficial fantasy crashed.
My survival job was no more. At the time I thought it unjust, and scary. I had no money to pay rent and a big Pit Bull to take care of. But, at the same time, something deep within me that seemed to go with me my entire life through every situation and moment I encountered, even though I was often unaware of its presence, was alive and sober and present. It was time for change.

It’s not that I left the love. The love left me. Over and over. This guy, sexy, smart, deep, and gorgeously Indian, left me. It was the same story in different clothing. Abandonment that had many outfits and faces. The New Year’s Eve passion, the 3am Dunkin Donuts run for hot chocolate, the New Year’s Day passion – gone.
The friends to go dancing or get drunk with – gone.
What lay before me was an only option with no money and big Pit Bull. The Long Island Expressway and the childhood home that I longed for so many years to never return to.

A crash. A defeat. A depression.
An awakening.

Well, my parents, as crazy and dysfunctional and embarrassing as they are, proved to be more real than any of the, I now realized, superficial people I hung out with in my counterfeit life in New York City. A city I loved dearly even though it screwed me, over and over.
As shameful as the family situations were (with the “If it’s free it’s for me” mantra, excessive coupon usage, taking hotel shampoos, and trying to set me up with ugly “but he’s single” men), at the end of the day, these people were in my corner no matter what.
They loved me even though I was unemployed and penniless – while the NYC snazzmatazz had no use for me – and despite the craziness I endured, I somehow felt safe and accepted.
So, oddly enough, it was moving back home that allowed me to finally grow up.
I learned to see past exteriors and characteristics and know that love is the only thing that’s real in this lifetime.

For those of you who never saw the pilot episode:

Merry Christmas.

Posted in: Humor, Life