Browsing All Posts filed under »Random«

“Cell Phone Avengers” #24

February 24, 2011

15

Rob and I are like Wayne and Garth; two unemployed losers who have to get away from our senior citizen parents and do something useful.  I think we’ve found our purpose.   It all started when I tried to take Rob to the library to find a book on his mom’s depression, and there, in the […]

“VITO THE GUIDO” #19

February 16, 2011

7

Vito refuses to take off his gold chains.  He says he feels naked without them.   Vito could be considered what anthropologists of our day call a “metrosexual.” Sometimes Vito doesn’t even care about the opposite sex.  He derives his self-esteem from looking good.  He often quotes Billy Crystal, “To look good is to feel good.  […]

“The UPS Man and His ‘Package'” #16

February 9, 2011

14

I’ve always had a thing for UPS guys.  They’re sexy and nice.  What more do you need?  So, when the doorbell rang and I ran down to open it to this cocoa-colored brother, standing 6’2” in his nicely pressed browns, how could my heart not miss a beat?  In my sling, I sign for the package […]

“About To Get Some Action” #14

February 7, 2011

18

The rendezvous was set.  Sunday night in the city I would meet The Indian – the ex who’s been texting and wanting to see me.  Of course deep down I was hoping this was our second chance; that we would resume the lovely relationship I had so missed.  But, for now, and maybe to protect […]

“Match.com” #13

February 6, 2011

16

Before “lockdown” I had subscribed to Match.com in the city, with very little action, yet quite a lot of disappointment.  My subscription is about to expire in a few days.  I hadn’t thought about it much, but there was a 29-year-old who had emailed me three times over the last few days.  This was his 4th email sent, no-lie my peoples, just […]

“Vito Wants to Audition for ‘Jersey Shore'” #11

February 4, 2011

6

I would take him, but my Dad won’t let me have the car.

“A Shitty Situation” #10

February 4, 2011

9

My Dad says as I walk in the kitchen, “I’ve renamed your dog ‘The Ass Canon.’  What are you feeding him?” “I…” “–He farts like it’s going out of style.  I don’t have many years left.  I don’t want to live with them with a gas mask.” I’m thinking to myself, I get it.  Dogs […]

“The Guy Who Dumped Me is Texting Me” #9

February 3, 2011

7

So, sometime before I got fired from my bullshit day job, I met this guy who was unlike any I had ever dated before.  He was kind, smart, almost a bit nerdy (which I thought was a good thing, since I’d always had a penchant for assholes), and very tall.  Things started slow, but before you […]

“They Ambush Me” #8

February 3, 2011

13

Now that I’m living with them, my mother has a new lease on life, a reason to wake up in the morning.  She has found her life’s purpose: to get me married. Which is funny, because I can’t say I’m much of a looker these days.  I eat about 12 Mallomars a day and haven’t […]

“Still High” #7

February 2, 2011

7

  This is what it looks like when you’re unemployed, living with your parents, and your dog gets high off your secondhand smoke.