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Browsing All Posts filed under »Self-help«
I Don’t Care About the Assholes
I’ve lived a lifetime of trying to escape the negativity of my situation by focusing on the positive. My mother now believes that, too. Not because I rubbed off on her – unfortunately I think I only gave her stress. But, because she learned it on TV. From Dr. Oz to be specific. But I […]
“About To Get Some Action” #14
February 7, 2011
The rendezvous was set. Sunday night in the city I would meet The Indian – the ex who’s been texting and wanting to see me. Of course deep down I was hoping this was our second chance; that we would resume the lovely relationship I had so missed. But, for now, and maybe to protect […]
“4:13 AM” #12
February 5, 2011
So, I wake up at 4:13am. I can’t sleep. Not because of anxiety this time, but because Vito is taking up the whole bed and snoring louder than an old Cuban man. I can’t help but wish I were cuddling with a man on this winter night, instead of a 75 pound tank of dog […]
“The Guy Who Dumped Me is Texting Me” #9
February 3, 2011
So, sometime before I got fired from my bullshit day job, I met this guy who was unlike any I had ever dated before. He was kind, smart, almost a bit nerdy (which I thought was a good thing, since I’d always had a penchant for assholes), and very tall. Things started slow, but before you […]
“They Ambush Me” #8
February 3, 2011
Now that I’m living with them, my mother has a new lease on life, a reason to wake up in the morning. She has found her life’s purpose: to get me married. Which is funny, because I can’t say I’m much of a looker these days. I eat about 12 Mallomars a day and haven’t […]
“Vito Wants Out” #6
February 2, 2011
Vito has started growling at my father. I tell my Dad it’s because he’s not giving him any attention. But, deep down I worry that Vito (my Pit Bull) has a dark side. That he will snap and maul my Dad because he doesn’t like him. And that would really suck…for my father. So, I […]
“The Cookie Has Crumbled” #5
February 1, 2011
My father calls me in to the den. He wants to talk to me. “I think your dog is eating my Mallomars.” I am silent. #1 – I’m worried that he hates Vito so much. #2 – I’m the one who’s really eating the Mallomars. You see, I made a list of all the things […]
“The Cell Phone F*#ker” #4
February 1, 2011
I tell my mom I want to be dropped off at Starbucks so I can work on my writing. She says I have to ask my father. (Am I 40 or 7?) So, I ask him if he’ll drop me off at Starbucks so I can work on my ‘resume.’ He says I can work […]
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours 
August 11, 2014
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