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Browsing All Posts filed under »Parents«
“Bed Bath and Way Beyond” #17
I put my coat on and am waiting at the door, while my parents argue about which car to take. My father wants to take his Smart Car, but my mother asks where I will fit, as it’s only a two-seater. He says that they can strap me to the roof. That seems to make […]
“The UPS Man and His ‘Package'” #16
February 9, 2011
I’ve always had a thing for UPS guys. They’re sexy and nice. What more do you need? So, when the doorbell rang and I ran down to open it to this cocoa-colored brother, standing 6’2” in his nicely pressed browns, how could my heart not miss a beat? In my sling, I sign for the package […]
“About To Get Some Action” #14
February 7, 2011
The rendezvous was set. Sunday night in the city I would meet The Indian – the ex who’s been texting and wanting to see me. Of course deep down I was hoping this was our second chance; that we would resume the lovely relationship I had so missed. But, for now, and maybe to protect […]
“4:13 AM” #12
February 5, 2011
So, I wake up at 4:13am. I can’t sleep. Not because of anxiety this time, but because Vito is taking up the whole bed and snoring louder than an old Cuban man. I can’t help but wish I were cuddling with a man on this winter night, instead of a 75 pound tank of dog […]
“A Shitty Situation” #10
February 4, 2011
My Dad says as I walk in the kitchen, “I’ve renamed your dog ‘The Ass Canon.’ What are you feeding him?” “I…” “–He farts like it’s going out of style. I don’t have many years left. I don’t want to live with them with a gas mask.” I’m thinking to myself, I get it. Dogs […]
“The Guy Who Dumped Me is Texting Me” #9
February 3, 2011
So, sometime before I got fired from my bullshit day job, I met this guy who was unlike any I had ever dated before. He was kind, smart, almost a bit nerdy (which I thought was a good thing, since I’d always had a penchant for assholes), and very tall. Things started slow, but before you […]
“They Ambush Me” #8
February 3, 2011
Now that I’m living with them, my mother has a new lease on life, a reason to wake up in the morning. She has found her life’s purpose: to get me married. Which is funny, because I can’t say I’m much of a looker these days. I eat about 12 Mallomars a day and haven’t […]
“Still High” #7
February 2, 2011
This is what it looks like when you’re unemployed, living with your parents, and your dog gets high off your secondhand smoke.
“Vito Wants Out” #6
February 2, 2011
Vito has started growling at my father. I tell my Dad it’s because he’s not giving him any attention. But, deep down I worry that Vito (my Pit Bull) has a dark side. That he will snap and maul my Dad because he doesn’t like him. And that would really suck…for my father. So, I […]
“The Cookie Has Crumbled” #5
February 1, 2011
My father calls me in to the den. He wants to talk to me. “I think your dog is eating my Mallomars.” I am silent. #1 – I’m worried that he hates Vito so much. #2 – I’m the one who’s really eating the Mallomars. You see, I made a list of all the things […]
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours 
February 11, 2011
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