It was with true resistance that I stepped through the doors of the medical annex. And it was with mild delight that the man seating there when I walked in made me feel at home instantly. All this for $29, I thought. I should try Groupon more often.
“What’s your name?”
“Myra. And you’re…”
“James.”
“James, I’m sorry, I thought you were going to be a woman named Carol.”
He just patiently smiles at me, then speaks.
“So, tell me. What’s going on with you?”
“Oh my God, where do I start? I’ve had no one to talk to about this for so long. My parents are fucking nuts. And I feel so guilty for saying this, because they’ve let me stay with them and deep in their hearts I know there is kindness. But, they’re fucking crazy. I’m so sorry to keep cursing.”
“No please. Be who you are.”
“Thank you.” (Tears start flowing down my eyes). “All I want is to be self-sufficient and live in the city again and HAVE MONEY. I’m trapped in the same prison of my childhood.”
“Those Wall Street fuckers.”
“I know, right! But, I can’t entirely blame them. I drank on the job. And called the manager a Dipshit behind her back.”
James grabs a bunch of tissues that are sitting on the coffee table next to him. His office looks like a waiting room, I notice. And he didn’t even bother to start with paperwork, which is really nice of him.
“Thank you. Sorry I’m crying, I’m such a baby.”
“Never be sorry for crying, Myra.”
I practically curl into his arm, when a door opens and an icy blonde 52-year-old woman walks through.
“Myra?”
I look up. “Yes?”
“Right this way. Thank you for waiting.”
I’m confused. “I’m sorry, wait…”
“I’m Carol. We have an appointment at two, right?”
I get up and look back at James who winks at me. WTF???
I walk into Carol’s office.
“Um, Carol, who was that? I thought that was….”
“That’s the waiting room. I think that guy is Doctor Wallace’s patient. Personality disorder, but I’m not sure. Anyway, what brings you here, Myra?”
“So, he acts like a therapist?”
“What do you mean? Oh, before I forget, I just need to get a copy of your Groupon certificate, if you don’t mind, and then we can proceed.”
I sit there stunned.
She comes back from the copier in her tight skirt suit that looks like it was bought from Kohl’s in the pseudo designer section and sits down with the cold efficacy of a divorce lawyer. I prefer talking to the schizo in the waiting room.
I proceed to tell her about life with my parents. How I got there. How a Bichon Frise tried to hump Vito and it escalated into a fight and I broke my arm falling down the steps to stop it. How my dog is always blamed. Pit Bull profiling. How my job used it as an excuse to fire me. How I couldn’t find a cheaper apartment because no one wanted my dog. How my last resort was to move in with the parents I hated and was ashamed of. How I was a victim.
“So, you’re a victim?”
“I know. It’s pathetic. And I shouldn’t think of myself that way. I’ve bought books on gratitude and I try to be grateful for everything.”
“Let me stop you right there. You’ve told me a lot about your parents, but let’s turn to you for a minute. Let’s talk about your patterns.”
Carol in the beige Jennifer-Lopez-for-Kohl’s outfit proceeds to show me how I’m the one with the problem. How Thank God I found her, because it’s about time I started doing “the work.” It’s hard for me to take advice from someone in her attire, but I try to listen respectfully. “The only reason I should be thanking God, Carol,” I think to myself, but not out loud, “is that I only paid $29 to come in here.” I start to think about the other things I could have bought with that $29. A pitcher of margaritas at the local Hooters. The new Sheer Cover make-up. A deposit on the next Norwegian Jewel sailing. A new squeaky monkey for Vito.
“I think you should come in again. Routinely. There is a lot of great work we can do together. This is only the beginning of a long road, but the good news is, it’s starting now.”
Wow. So, that’s how you make your money, Carol? A cheap Groupon. Make people feel like they’re fucked up, so they come back. You can’t fool me, honey. And your bra strap is showing. I should give you a session on having more class. So what if I’m wearing jeans with stains and an old Black Keys t-shirt I haven’t washed since January. I have an excuse. I live with my parents.
“I’ll certainly consider it, Carol. Thank you for seeing me.”
“Should I put something on the books for next week, same time?”
“You know, I’m going to think about that. And call you.”
“Okay, Myra. Until the next time I see you, I want you to consider one thing: You are not a child anymore. But the child inside you needs you.”
Dude. Come on. I’m half way out the door. Let me be.
“And I’d like you to consider one thing: Target features Missoni.”
I walk out to the honking horn of my parents’ Honda truck.
“I see you. Stop honking!!”
I get in the car.
“I’m late for Walmart now. Tell me, how much did this cost you?”
“Twelve dollars.”
“You waste your money, Myra. Tell me something, when are you going to pay me back the money you owe me?” He tears out of the parking lot and onto the main road lined with palm trees and American consumerism in all its franchise glory.
“Ivan stop it! Don’t listen to him, Myra” my mother beckons from the front seat with her still pronounced Colombian accent.
“I’m not, don’t worry.”
“Do you know how much money I waste in gas schlepping you around?”
“I’ll pay you back.”
“Enough, Ivan! You’re pathetic you know that?”
“Is that Wendy’s?”
“YES IT’S WENDY’S!”
“Stop screaming at me or I’ll send you to the shrink with Myra. Should I stop?”
“Ay Jesus Christ. I don’t know. Do you want to stop?”
“I want to get a Frosty.”
“Then get one! Stop asking me stupid questions.”
A sharp turn off the busy road, more honking horns, and we’re in the Wendy’s drive through.
The child within me wants to get out of the car, get my dog and walk all the way back to New York City. But the child within me also wants a Frosty.
“Vanilla please.”
s
May 5, 2012
ur afraid of generic and by so doing generate it. good job.
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 5, 2012
Um, what?
Stefatropolis
June 4, 2012
I’m sorry,
but I need to say something, as I too read this woman’s post.
I found it to be engaging, well-paced and witty, without being merely flippant or sarcastic. What’s more, it was poignant because of how articulate she is about some rather painful aspects of life which she’s brave enough to share with others and knows people can relate to universally. Her intention, from what I can tell, was merely to share her writing and give a glimpse into her world in the hopes that others would enjoy it.
What I DON’T think was her intended goal was to offer up a piece of herself in hopes that somehow, a certain special someone out there in cyberspace who’s losing in his battle for literacy will give her invaluable advice on living.
The wildly ironic thing about this, of course, is that you offer up this sagely wisdom without it ever once occurring to you that, in terms of your own existence, the advise that you should’ve stayed in school would’ve been near invaluable by comparison.
I don’t know if you know this, but;
“ur afraid of generic and by so doing generate it. good job.,”
isn’t a sentence. At best it’s merely a fragment of an idea that whose execution is even more threadbare; “The author of this blog fear average and so she make, well done?” I couldn’t have said it better myself!
..Oh, wait. I can. And I don’t have to be peering over a drool-bucket to do so.
I, for instance, could just as well criticize your posts with the equally profound;
“u hate at smart and because so make the bad writing. Nice job.”
(See how that just flows? It’s like I’m channelling Shakespeare or something!!)
You mention in a later post,
“focusing on your parents spending habits is also problematic to your development as your own adult.”,
“Your own adult”?
Everybody as their own adult??
Thanks Dr. Phil by way of Jerry Springer! I’ll be sure and pass that on!
Which is another grammatical disaster that, sentence construction aside, begs the question; Who in their right mind would come to you for advice?? (Someone from your homeland because English clearly isn’t your first language?)
Let me ask you;
As an adult (and using the term loosely), which problem would YOU prefer;
A), eating fast food occasionally and sometimes shopping at a large corporate department store?, or
B), clearly having dropped out of grade school?
(..No, I’m afraid the answer is “A.”)
Which one do YOU think is, developmentally, less worrisome;
A), concern about your parents’ finances?, or
B), being the buck-toothed poster-child for illiteracy?
(…Again, “A” is the correct answer.)
Now, I don’t know if only you will end up seeing what I’m writing here, or if everyone will, nor am I going to waste too much of my own or other’s time by asking for further input from you, as you’ve provided I think enough for one to effectively glean what you’re about and where you’re coming from. So, out of respect for this blog, and for what this blog is about, let me just make the following observations;
You’re criticizing someone else’s writing while not even bothering to achieve grammatical competency. I don’t say this as an attack, but to make the following point; in general, in the world of the internet, and more specifically in regards to the world of writers, the way you present yourself through the use of language indicates to us, the reader(s), with staggering immediacy how entitled you are to the criticisms you make; i.e., you’re telling us before we’ve even finished one of your sentences that you’re completely wasting our time.
For instance, in your first response, by writing “ur;” misspelling right out of the proverbial gate, and failing to capitalize, I can’t tell if you’re ten years old, fourteen years old, or simply a glue-sniffing developmentally challenged adult whose Nickelback albums seem like the Da Vinci Code and who lacks even the ability to “seem” intelligent (and frankly, buddy, that is not a life-skill I’d wish on my worst enemy). What’s more, your use of the word “generic” without a definite article makes you seem…well…I’d say, “intellectually generic,” but that would be far too glowing an appraisal.
For those of us who actually write (the thing you’re critiquing while failing to master), this is a tremendous liability for you because from the moment we read what you’ve written, we immediately begin to discern, rightly or wrongly, (but let’s face it; rightly) that you’re not remotely qualified to be the arbiter of good blog-writing that you assert yourself to be. Others won’t say what I’m saying because of common courtesy and perhaps pity, but based on the trail of negative but ignorant posts you’ve written, we can all tell with tremendous accuracy how little money you make, what kind of school you went to, at what level of education you stopped, and what kind of carnival ride you operate. That might seem to be a bit harsh, but, the world being what it is, first impressions never lie; while most any hack of an actor can play a nuclear physicist, no one can WRITE more intelligently than they happen to be.
Ouch, right? (Of course, I can’t empathize with what that’s like, but you do have my sympathy.)
You see, all that I’ve said thus far I might’ve otherwise spared you, but I can’t help but feel that you carry around with you the wildly implicit assumption that you’re smarter, savvier, and just plain superior to this clearly talented woman who, regardless of the life choices you think she should make, is and will ALWAYS be your superior in every way. (I say that without actually having witnessed any of your vast accomplishments; crack, Doritos, UFC posters and internet porn, to name a few.)
Now go away, and let this woman write.
And when you’re at a point where you’re not stopping halfway through a sentence to ask directions, we’ll start on more abstract tasks like putting pants on correctly, chewing, and recognizing good writing when you see it.
“ur” dismissed.
s
May 5, 2012
i just think you need to stop going to therapy and talking about your parents so much. it’s making you sick.
s
May 5, 2012
and target and wendy’s don’t help the matter.
s
May 5, 2012
focusing on your parents spending habits is also problematic to your development as your own adult.
Scriptor Obscura
May 5, 2012
You don’t know how much I can relate to this. How freaking much at this moment, right now, at this precise exact point in my life. This is me exactly. Wow. What a life you have…I can relate so much, because I am living it too, just like you…I have been subscribed to your blog since the beginning almost, longer than any other blog that I have ever subscribed to here on WordPress. Keep on writing, and keep us updated on how things go for you. I sympathize!
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 5, 2012
I’m so glad you can relate and sympathize. I’m grateful for being able to connect to you. It’s like we’re on this journey together.
Scriptor Obscura
May 5, 2012
Yep. Your blog reminds me that there is someone else who is in this situation, and I look forward to hearing what is going on with you next, and how and if you have managed to get out of your situation and get away from those crazy parents and finally be fully independent and be able to live the way you want! 🙂
s
May 5, 2012
can’t see the need for you to blog about every minute annoyance that you have all the time either. seems redundant.
s
May 5, 2012
we, the reader, don’t want to sympathize. we want to see you grow.
lizfruitberry
May 6, 2012
@ s – She can blog about whatever she chooses. That’s the art of blogging. Thank God we have the freedom to do so in this wonderful country that our Veterans and soldiers fight so hard to protect.
I don’t want to grow up either! Grown-Up life sucks!!!
s
May 5, 2012
so stop with the drama and live your real life. :)PEACE……………..
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 5, 2012
Dear S… While I appreciate that you have taken the time to read my blog post and leave such illustrious uncapitalized comments and shorthand like “ur,” I wonder if you hated my drama so much, why you would continue reading? And in case you haven’t noticed or don’t undertand dry humor, it does people good sometimes to find humor in the pain. And humor is often found in the minute details. I’m sure the texts you send out are much more literature-worthy, but for a commoner like me, this is the only forum I have. Peace out, shorty.
Scriptor Obscura
May 5, 2012
Hey, ignore this person. I wouldn’t even post their comments in the first place. They are a troll looking to bring you down and make you feel bad…Its easy to say nasty things on the internet…You notice that they are commenting anonymously…Don’t feed the bully, ignore them, they are only looking to get a rise out of you, and responding to them is giving them exactly what they wanted. Mark them as spam, and block their address and then they won’t be able to comment again. Ignore them, I know its hard, and it can hurt, but ignore them and they will eventually lose interest and give up if you don’t respond to them and give them what they want. There are all kinds of creeps on the internet, who are jealous and stupid and who just want to bring you down. Don’t ever let them do it. Remember, if people are trying to belittle you and to bring you down and make you feel bad, it only means that they are jealous of you and that you are above them. Take it as a compliment.
Scriptor Obscura
May 5, 2012
By the way, are you writing a book about all this stuff yet? You really should compile all your stories from this blog and make a book. Your stories need to be published, and I know a lot of people can relate to you and to your life!
You can always self-publish it and then market it on your blog and other places…Do it! 🙂
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 5, 2012
Thank you for suggesting that. I’m actually thinking of making webisodes. What do you think?
Scriptor Obscura
May 5, 2012
I think a book would be better, but that’s just my opinion 🙂
You might even have a concept that would resonate with publishers, because a large percentage of people are moving back in with their parents these days and living at home unfortunately because they have no other way, because of the bad economy and the inability of college graduates to even get jobs at all…A college degree is useless these days…A piece of paper and that’s it.
bfmccurry
May 5, 2012
I agree with Scriptor, a book would be cooler. I can read about your folks with commiseration and glee, but if you brought them to me on video I might burst something important while watching. Could be from laughter or maybe from rage, but there would definitely be bursting. Your stories are funny and cathartic. They almost make us glad we can’t say a charm and make your life happier–almost.
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 5, 2012
If you could say a charm, I should like to have a Bloomingdales gift card in the amount of $7,000. And a bicycle. Thank you.
theresa
May 7, 2012
Yes, webisodes would be a great start! Whenever I read your blog, I relate it to a Seinfeld episode (your dad is Frank Costanza in my visualization), and think what a great sitcom you could create. Sorry you have to live a sitcom life, but think what could come out of it? It’s your intership to your TV writing career. It’s a necessary evil!
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 8, 2012
Thank you Theresa. I often feel like I’m living a Seinfeld episode.
Scriptor Obscura
May 5, 2012
This is exactly why I moderate ALL of my comments and I don’t let anyone make a comment unless I have read and approved their comment first, even if they have commented before. Changing your settings so that all comments have to be approved by you first no matter what is the only way to block people like this and to truly prevent people from making these sorts of comments. Although that doesn’t prevent them from writing hate articles about you on their own sites, as I once had done about me…
xdeviantonex
May 5, 2012
Not sure if this has been suggested to you in the past, but have you considered other places to live? I myself was where you were at 10 years ago (minus one cute cuddly pit bull) and it took being transferred to dc to put me on a good path. Maybe instead of trying to make it work there you go some place else.
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 5, 2012
Yes Cutie X. I’m planning for it. Just writing about my adventures in the meantime and trying to save up some money. How was DC?
xdeviantonex
May 5, 2012
Dc is great actually! I literally will have to be dragged from here to live somewhere else! I think you might actually like it here as well, you can observe people without being noticed. (you have read the proof of it via my eyes ha )
Well good as long as you have a goal to get your arse out of there where they do not deserve you and waiting your talents in tha canker sore of a city! (no offense to any canker sores reading this)
momwhearingloss
May 5, 2012
I’ve been reading your blog and love your humour. I think it’s good that you are writing it down and I think you’re being very honest and I think honesty is the best policy. You are in a jam and you need help. Believe me lots of people have been there but most aren’t honest about it. If people don’t like reading your blog they need to stop reading it – it’s a free world especially in blog world – keep writing – personally I think this should be a script for a tv show!
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 5, 2012
First of all, when I hear the phrase “in a jam,” I think of being stuck inside a Welch’s packet of grape jelly at the Howard Johnson’s next to a pile of toast. Secondly, thank you so much for your encouragement. And YES – TV show it is. Let’s do it.
xdeviantonex
May 5, 2012
On a belated side note…
Dear “S”,
I am truly impressed that you are able to string together enough words (albeit crudely) to form a coherent thought. However I am really astounded you can see the keyboard/keypad with your head so firmly planted up your ass! 🙂
You can reply if you wish to this as I honestly do not care what brainfart you might cogitate then bring forth onto this site, I am merely doing this out of mindless self indulgence to make people laugh at me poking fun at the pretty troll child! I will not speak again at you. *bows*
I Made You A Mixtape
May 5, 2012
Been reading your blog for a long time… you always write with such honesty, integrity and heart.
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 5, 2012
Thanks, MixTape. I also write with a lot of gas, but you guys can’t hear that. No, seriously… I’m a little delirious – been taking too many of my mother’s Xanax. Thank you.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 5, 2012
Ah, still hoping you write a book or a screenplay or a TV sitcom or a pamphlet or something. You are such a good writer and this is such compelling stuff. I mean, seriously.
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 5, 2012
That’s very kind, thank you. I’m so flattered that you all think I could write a book. However, I grew up with such little attention span. (My mother let us watch endless Love Boat reruns)…so I think I’m going to just make some webisodes.
s
May 5, 2012
this blog is just so needless sad. i’m sorry if i offended you, myra, but honestly you’ve blogged enough blogs.
lostnchina
May 5, 2012
Myra, Sometimes life sucks and a Frosty is all we have to make us better. Your writing is, as many have pointed out, very compelling and from the heart. And it’s very generous and big-hearted of you to feel concerned for your parents, despite what you’ve gone through with them. But I’m sure they also love you back. (I’m Chinese and our parents are no different.) Writing our thoughts down is what keeps us (relatively) sane, and I think every blogger on here can agree with that.
As for “S” – writers draw from experience, and some of the best writing comes from the most painful experiences and memories. The fact that we can put the experiences into funny, painful, sad and coherent sentences shows that we are working through and thinking about those experiences.
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 5, 2012
Well said, Lost in China. I think they do love me back. I know they do. They’re just so frigin crazy. I’d rather contemplate this love from afar. I’ve heard Chinese and Jewish parents are very similar. Did your parents ever steal napkin holders from Burger King?
lostnchina
May 5, 2012
Not exactly. But when we first immigrated to Canada, they used to take the plastic forks and spoons from McDonald’s and use them as real cutlery. Still do. Except now I tell them plastic cutlery shouldn’t be washed in hot water and re-used due to carcinogens (who knows, if this is true, probably is). But one thing Chinese immigrant parents are more afraid of than running out of money is dying of cancer. So, it’s worked for me so far. Your parents don’t have that language barrier though.
barbaraelka
May 5, 2012
Your writing is great…I am glad to read another post.
lizfruitberry
May 6, 2012
I had the same bad experience with a therapist. She actually tried telling me all of my problems were due to PMS! Post was hilarious. You should write a book! I love Wendy’s frosty’s too!
ebbtide
May 6, 2012
Argh! Don’t get me started on therapists. There ARE good ones out there, but the couple I’ve been to see have been complete schmucks. One guy would lean back in his chair, and stick his hands into the waistband of his khakis. And all I could think was “how the HELL can I take you seriously when you’re sitting like Ted Bundy from Married with Children?” And he wanted me to use stuffed animals having conversations with each other to work things out… seriously. I got better therapy from a venti caramel frappuccino.
And yes,… book please.
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 8, 2012
Ha!! Don’t get me started on caramel frappuccinos! My weakness. How do you think I got these thunder thighs?!
maureen
May 7, 2012
Finding the right therapist is really, really hard. But you sure could use a support group or system of some kind (besides, of course, these virtual friends you have via your awesome blog). So keep looking and trying. Once you find the right fit it will be great. Hugs to you and Vito!
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 8, 2012
I think I may have found a support group in the senior-filled jacuzzi. That may have to be my next post. Thanks for inspiring me!
Ella Raph
May 7, 2012
I’ve missed you Myra I just came by to see if you were up and met your three posts. you can’t imagine how happy I am. Hang in there girl!
@ “S” get a life!!!
gojulesgo
May 7, 2012
Wow. James should seriously go into business. And the pit bull profiling really is tragic (my best friend is a shelter volunteer/pit bull advocate – her pit rescue is one of the coolest dogs I’ve ever met). I have all the faith in the world in your writing (I feel like I should add “…so hang in there” but that’s obnoxious)!
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 8, 2012
Thanks Jules. I’m going to include my Pit Bull in the webisodes, so you’ll get to (virtually) meet him.
butimbeautiful
May 8, 2012
Ah, therapy! They should get royalties on the stories we write about them.
Stefanina
May 9, 2012
Man, that therapist sucked.
hrh88
May 29, 2012
I stumbled on this blog post by accident. I was googling “Are therapists crazier than their patients?” Guess why. Anyway, this post was excellent “therapy”. Absolutely hilarious! I’m no expert, except that I am a bookworm and have a background in theater. I think that this would make an excellent script for a short play or screenplay. Have you read “People are Unappealing” by Sara Barron? Her book reminds me a bit of this post. It’s worth checking out. Also, there is a short film from the Sundance festival, that evidently won some accolades a few years ago called “Countertransference” (available on Youtube). I think that your post is much funnier. You are very talented. Hang in there. I will be recommending your blog to others as well as reading more of your posts myself when time permits. Thank you for providing me with a good laugh this morning.
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 29, 2012
I’m so glad it made you laugh. And thanks for the recommendations. I hope to hear from you again!
njenva
May 29, 2012
I love your posts!
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours
May 29, 2012
Thank you!