“Match.com” #13

Posted on February 6, 2011


Before “lockdown” I had subscribed to Match.com in the city, with very little action, yet quite a lot of disappointment.  My subscription is about to expire in a few days.  I hadn’t thought about it much, but there was a 29-year-old who had emailed me three times over the last few days.  This was his 4th email sent, no-lie my peoples, just now.  I would like to share the interaction with you:


i dont know what is the no. of this email, but i have emalied you multiple times.
i read your profile 10 times and i though i would never fit into what you are looking for, but i know one thing that you are string and independent individual which i have always dreamt of in my partner. kind of person who should support you when you are down and excpet the same whe reverse.
i dont know what i am writing.

bottomline, i find you beautiful,gorgious,smoking hot,and humurious., so love to hear back from you.

so mail me back of call met at xxx-xxx-xxxx or a text message whaterver you think is good.

for me is like i bougt a megamillion ticket, if you text or call i hit..

bye ,

So, I reply:

Dear XXX:

While I am flattered that you have emailed me persistently and find me so “gorgious,” (although if you could see me in my perma-sweats, I think you’d change your mind) I must let you know that I am someone who has a severe love of the written word and a great respect for the English language, and when you use improper spelling or grammar, it not only makes me laugh out loud, but it propels me to forward your email to my friends and post your hilarious mis-use of words on my blog.  Do you know what “propel” means?

Surely someone so insulting as myself could not be the perfect “match” for you, wouldn’t you agree?  I don’t mean to be harsh, but I am going through a lot right now (my dog still has diarrhea, my father thinks I’m a failure because I got fired, my mother thinks I’m a failure because I’m not married, and I am so broke I can’t even pay attention).  I clearly stated on my profile (which took me hours and I thought was insanely witty, yet no one I actually like emails me back) that I was a writer, so certainly you could have taken the time to spell-check your message, no?

I do love, however, that you liken me to a MegaMillions ticket.  Lord knows I buy enough of them.  Anything to get me out of this hell.  I can’t help but imagine you as having a Russian accent, like John Malkovich in “Rounders.”  I want to prank call you just so I can hear it.  If you’re not Russian, then I think you should seriously consider ESL classes.  Especially if you want to bag a hot chick on Match.

“Bottomline,” I think there is probably another “smoking hot and humorious” girl out there who would be much kinder and better suited to you.

If only you had spelled correctly, I might have used you for a few apple martinis and some much needed sex, whilst saying, “I never do this on a first date.”

Forgive me, my little Ruskie.  Times are hard right now.  Oh, and I’m no “string.”

Kind regards,